“I have MRI results,” said the familiar radiologist voice on the other end of the phone.

“Good. I actually have you on speaker phone with Dr. Newman, too. It’s her husband,” replied our Primary Care Provider as we sat in our shared office that Thursday morning.

“Umm…” came the voice on the other end of the line. Long pause. The longest pause of my life. Instantly I knew.

“I already know it’s bad,” I reassured the voice in the phone.

Here it comes. Here it goes.

Since that moment I have expected to feel emotions. Sadness. Disbelief. Terror. Grief.

But the ping-pong of other emotions has been a new experience. It’s a back-and-forth mind game. For an overthinker like me, it’s brutal.

Embarrassed guilt that I’m being too dramatic. But then, sad guilt that I’m being too normal.

Optimist. Pessimist. Realist.

Gratitude for the generosity of others. Then, hot jealousy that they can go to bed at night knowing that “at least it’s not me.”

Humility to accept kind words and thoughts. But, doubt that it’s genuine.

Disappointment that they couldn’t do surgery to remove it. Thankfulness that we’ve had more neurologically “normal” time because they couldn’t.

A doctor who can interpret the language. A wife who wishes to be ignorant.

Ignore and distract, or talk and feel?

Sobbing for the future, then belly laughing about the past.

Devil on the left shoulder telling us “he’s as good as dead.” Angel on the right saying “it’s going to be okay.”

Wanting time to go fast and wanting time to go slow.

Almost accidentally running a red light at an intersection and joking to each other that this journey was that close to being over in an instant. A small part of me wished that we had, and it was. A large part is grateful it isn’t.

One extreme to the next.

I judge myself. Without reason, I feel judged by, and in turn, judge others. Too nice? Too negative? Too emotional? Too …? Which feeling is “correct”? Which thought is the lie?

I naively thought this would be a consistent kind of hard. You have a brainstem tumor. Be sad. Be sad always. Be sad forever. Instead, it’s a slow, annoying, and nauseating rollercoaster of emotions, questions, and thoughts.

The two faces of good vs. bad, of hope vs. doubt, of temporary vs. eternal.

“May those who rejoice at my troubles be humiliated and disgraced. May those who triumph over me be covered with shame and dishonor. But give great joy to those who came to my defense. Let them continually say, ‘Great is the Lord, who delights in blessing his servant with peace.’” Psalm 35:26-27