It’s THE word everyone hates hearing. But, it’s the word everyone hates saying even more.

I hate telling patients they have cancer. It has never rolled off my tongue well.

But, I hate saying the words I’ve said this week, and the same words that I’m about to write, more than I have ever HATED words before:

My husband, more than likely, has cancer.

And, it’s not just any cancer. It’s a cancer in the part of him that makes him who he is – his brain.

And, it’s not just any part of the brain. It’s the deep down inside part of the brain—his cerebellum and brainstem. Not resectable.

Brain tumor. BRAIN TUMOR. brain TUMOR. BRAIN tumor. Just tumor? Brain Mass? Lesion?

Brain tumor.

If I say it a million times, will it get easier?

There are times I want to scream it from the mountains so that the whole world knows. Rip off the bandaid – just get the pain of telling people done and over with. But then, in the next moments, I want to keep it as our little secret. Let’s not mess up everyone else’s worlds, too.

Our Dreams?

Our Future?

Our Life?

Just like every other human body that has experienced this level of gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, nauseating emotional pain – I can’t sleep. I can’t drink. I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can’t even cry anymore – it is just water falling from my eyes now.

Oddly enough, though, we still have hope. Some hope that it’s still treatable even though it’s not resectable, and hope for some “it’s-going-to-be-okay”s in the midst of a lot of “it’s-definitely-not-okay”s. More so, we have hope that there will be beauty in the ashes. We’re confident of that! But for now, we’re still in the fire, making the ashes, part of that process.

Lastly, we know God is working. The supernatural stories we have to tell ALREADY about His timing and provision are giving me goosebumps even as I write this. Y’all, this story God’s writing through our family is going to be incredible! Painful and horrible, for sure, but so amazingly beautiful, too. Maybe I won’t even really believe it until I get to heaven someday, but I know it will be good.

Pray for us.

Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of those things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Job 42: 1-3